Is this what falling in love feels like?

Martin & I- Fort Matanzas, FL

So I don’t know what’s come over me within the last two months. A definite intensity of feelings for my man…not that my feelings were never genuine before, but, as stated in earlier posts about love and relationships, I am not one to fall easily.

Maybe it’s been the nature of our conflicting schedules lately. Martin’s been working a rigorous seven days a week, most days a grueling 15 hour shift. He typically rises at 7:30 am, out the door before 9:00, doesn’t return until 11:30 or midnight. But it was never like this before. Of course, the man worked but it wasn’t like he lived there. We still had time for us, going to dinner or for a walk on the beach, or just taking an afternoon nap, holding each other for hours. And the ironic thing is, I never understood those women who constantly begged for their man to come home, complaining that he worked too much, that he was never around, for her, for their family…I always thought, what are they complaining about, someone’s gotta pay the bills and put food on the table. But now, I’m starting to catch on to what all those women were singing in sorrow about. I’ve really begun missing him- a lot.

And I never thought I would. I have no problem with solitude; in fact, I’m one who really loves my alone time. But lately, even if I fill my time doing things I love (listening to music, crafts, drawing, shopping, being outdoors, blogging) , running my errands (bank, grocery store, paying bills) I still feel my heart wandering out to him, searching for his gentle, aromatic touch.

When I think of the reasons why I miss him, there’s many. One being my roommates. I don’t click with them. We’re just not clickable. I’m clean and tidy, they’re not. I hate slobs, hate laziness. I like to go outside, travel, explore my surroundings, they would rather sit and be lifeless in front of  television and video games all day. I cook fresh, they cook microwavable, processed crap. I like fresh air rolling through the house, they’d rather shut all the windows like it’s some barricaded fortress of stagnant air. I’ve been here in this ‘Big Brother’ type living situation since September, and I will say, it’s been hard. I’ve bitten my tongue more times than I could count on both hands. They’re okay people, just not my kind of people, if you will. So most days if Martin isn’t here, I’ll go seize the day myself, taking spontaneous trips with my camera, or go walk along the beach, go visit my mom, some friends, or some days, I’ll sit in my room, antisocial, looking at the ocean from my deck, looking at it for some kind of release…

Second reason being my schedule. Martin and I work completely different schedules. Although not the first couple in the world to grapple with this, it is indeed, testing. Because I work at a bar and grille, I am up until 3:30 am…typically not rising to see the morning light until 10:30/11:00. And if I’m really tired, 12:00. Some nights, I’ll come home and see Martin deep asleep curled up on one side, I kiss him gently on the cheek, caressing his shoulder, he wakes and looks at me, kisses me then falls back into slumber land. And the same routine for him in the morning. I, deep asleep, in the early hours of the morning when he’s waking up, most days have no memory of him kissing me before he leaves for work. He can tell me he left me ten kisses on my cheek, most of the time it’s not registering. So most days during the week, the only time we really spend together is when there’s enough time to meet up on his lunch break or when we’re both asleep, next to each other. Most weeks, we only have Sunday for a day together. How did it come to one day together? I guess I used to be spoiled with how often I got to see my babe. But this is life, ever-changing…

Third reason being that I’ve begun feeling like I really need him around, which, is a big one for me. I’m not one who needs anybody. I’ve always been fine on my own, enjoying my space (I lived on my own for 3 years before moving to Florida). But, there is a definite light that doesn’t shine when Martin isn’t around. There’s a void, a void that has grown wider and deeper with time, as my feelings have grown stronger for him, so does the feeling of need. This, not to be confused with needy. I am not one of these. There’s days that go by where I don’t talk to him for 7 hours…but I know that’s because he’s busy. I’m not one of these women who’s blowing up his phone with text messages and calls, prying to find out what he’s doing. When he’s free, he’ll call me. But a need in terms of, his love and care. A need for togetherness with him. A feeling of fulfillment…

Martin walking along the beach...

So, with a surge of new and somewhat foreign feelings taking over within the last two months, I’m listening to my intuition. It’s telling me that I’ve got to hold on to this man, this amazingly different, gentle, respectful, peaceful, wonder of a man. Martin is incomparable to any other guy I’ve met, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He is a true diamond in the rough. Of course, not without his problems, like us all, he’s imperfect. But the thing I admire most about him is, even in the most imperfect of times, in the most trying of times, when the ugly face of negativity stacks up his cards against you, Martin still knows how to wake up, enjoy the sunrise, and appreciate the beautiful day ahead. He’s a true optimist at best…and he’s taught me so many lessons and I don’t think he even realizes it.

Martin & I- Orlando 2010

He’s taught me to not focus on the negative. I at times, have a habit of dwelling on the negative, the bad things that happened that day, to the point where, it wrecks my whole day. Observing how Martin ever so carefully chooses his mood and his attitude for the day, has made me realize, how much life I’m wasting when I focus on negative energy like that for long periods of time.

He’s taught me how to sacrifice, and to live a simpler life. On one of our first few dates, I remember Martin asking me, what do I expect from a man? I told him some of my standards (respect, trust, loyalty, friendship and spontaneity, good listener), but he wasn’t looking for any of those. What he was getting closer to was, living quarters. He asked me where I sleep. I said on my bed, where else? He replied with the fact that he doesn’t sleep on a bed, in fact, he doesn’t even own one. He sleeps on the floor. At first, I laughed, not understanding why anyone would choose to sleep on a hard, cold floor. But as the months went by, I learned more about him, he explained the days of which he spent in China at university, studying Sport and Chinese language. It was there where, for a few years of his life, he became accustomed to a very simple way of life. Sleeping on wooden boards, surrounded by mosquito nets, and for a toilet, well, the place to relieve yourself was nothing more than a hole cut in the ground. No stall; no privacy.

He’s taught me how to appreciate the differences in people, and not be judgmental. Martin is a man who is very well traveled. He’s been all over the world (most of Europe, China, Peru and the United States). He can speak a few different languages (English, Czech, Mandarin, Cantonese). Through his travels, he’s gained a sense of humility, that the world is much bigger than just him and the way of life that he knows. Martin has helped me to realize that just because I think something is the norm, is not how the rest of the world views it. Maybe something that Americans think is normal and a part of daily life, people in other parts of the world may not understand, they might even think its weird. I try not to be judgmental, but at times, I catch myself. I’m guilty of pointing and staring at things or people that make me scratch my head and wonder, what the… But I’ve gotten better with maturity and time. Now I’ve come to realize, each has their own life, their own individuality. And what’s life about? To cultivate a sense of well being, and happiness. So do what makes you happy, don’t worry about what others think.

He’s shown me what true companionship means. Martin encompasses all of what it means to be a great partner. He’s a great friend and delicate lover. He lends an available ear whenever I’ve got some great news or some depressing news. He’s my adventure partner. We’re always on the go, doing something with the day, whether it’s a spontaneous drive, trip to the beach, a nature walk,or catching the sunset in photos. We both know how to enjoy life, to really live life. Martin never lacks in affection. He’s secretly emotional, he’s not one to show his emotions on his sleeve, he’s more reserved and hidden, but, when it comes to love, isn’t afraid to show a simple loving gesture, such as a kiss on the cheek, a gentle arm around the waist or a prolonged embrace, for as long as I need it.

He’s always encouraging me to do better, to never give up, whether the challenge lie in school, work or just daily life. Sometimes he helps me to look inside myself and realize my own strength. He reminds me that life isn’t handed to us easily, it’s a constant uphill battle, and that you should welcome that, everyday.

Dinner on a beautiful November day...

He’s a man that I never tire of learning about, and things just keep getting better as our relationship grows. I couldn’t be happier…

Pinup!

So after attending the Orlando model Meet & Greet, I fiddled through the pile of business cards stuffed in my purse. Looked at them, mentally noting which ones to shoot with; yes, no, yes, no, maybe… but then I signed into my profile on notable model and photographer site http://www.modelmayhem.com/ and checked out the photographers I had on there already, and reviewed their talents. Bingo! Spotted one. Known as Abbazia (first name Al), the man had talent when it came to shooting retro and vintage inspired shoots, with special attention to pinup revival. Of the three years I’ve modeled, I hadn’t found a respectable enough vintage photographer to work with, but this time, looking over his portfolio, I believed I had met a ‘pinup God’. I scheduled a shoot with him right away.

Pinup has always held a quaint, sweet spot in my heart. I’ve always been attracted to the way the women looked of the era; the big, gleaming smiles, the crimson rouge on the lips, the curvy hips, stockings and garter belts, the undeniable sexiness they possessed without even trying.

There’s some photographers that you click with and others, not so much. From the model’s point of view, it’s important for the model and photographer to meet at some common ground, be on the same page as to what they’re trying to capture, as a team. With Abbazia, this was effortless. We began the shoot with 80’s music playing in the background (music always makes any shoot more fun and relaxing), me laughing at his jokes, and trying to tune his Labrador dog out, as she wanted all the attention on her, instead of me. 😀

We did three looks, one with a green metallic corset from which had been sitting in my closet, dying to be used for over one year now, another with a retro navy blue striped Victoria’s Secret number, and one with a cocktail hat and a purple corset. And fishnets? You bet your sweet ass. This is what we came up with…

My absolute favorite

This one was a little more burlesque inspired, but nevertheless, came out great too.

A take on burlesque...

I’m in love with how Abbazia revives vintage advertisements…

The man knows what he’s doing, and that is why, I will definitely welcome a future invitation for anymore pinup and burlesque photographic adventures. Viva la pinup!

Falling in Love & Falling in Lust…

I am not a girl who tackles the subject of love easily. Not because of some repeat bad experiences, but, because I proceed with caution when it comes to love. I’ve never been one to mutter those three words easily. If I love somebody, I really love them. If I don’t, I do not say those three words. This mindset is responsible for breaking a few hearts along the way…there were guys I dated who whispered those three little words to me, and I wouldn’t reciprocate. They would say, “You don’t feel that way too?” And me, being my sometimes too-honest self, would reply, “No, sorry I’m just not there yet.” In fact, sometimes I asked myself, would I ever be there yet? Was it such a bad thing if I wasn’t? Absolutely not.

This set myself apart from schoolmates in high school. Trotting to class everyday, this gave a good opportunity for people watching. I would observe some of the girls drooling over their jock boyfriends, hands intertwined, practically glued to the hip; walking to class in these big, oversized Letter jackets with names like, Nicholson, Taylor, Baker as some strange way of claiming property. I on the other hand, never really advertised whom I was dating. If the subject came up, would I answer? Yes, of course. But I wasn’t the type who needed to be in love, on some desperate search for togetherness and longing. I was never afraid to be alone, to be single. I wasn’t the type who constantly needed somebody on speed dial. I was fine on my own.

I remember some of the lunchtime conversations in high school, sometimes the subject of love would come up. Everyone would share their opinions about it; mine was always the most interesting. When I would tell them that I hadn’t fallen in love, my classmates gave me a baffled stare like,  How so? But I always maintained; never one to succumb to peer pressure. Just because some of my friends had jumped on the teeny-bopper love train, didn’t mean I had to rush to find some Joe to be arm candy for. If my friends were happy and in love, that was great, but I never felt like I had to follow.

Besides, for only being a Senior in high school, at times I felt like I was ahead of the pack, in terms of maturity. I would look at my classmates and wonder, do they really know what love is? Or is it just more lust, an I need you- I want you- I can’t live without you- You’re my soul mate type of romance? As with most high school relationships, many of them don’t last. I could see right through so many of my classmate’s relationships. Just observing from a far, I could point out the obvious issues within them, and shaking my head, said, Yea, good luck with that. My classmates fell in and out of love like they changed their underwear. Girls that were jealous; boys that were insecure; boys who were controlling; girls who were jealous, and vice-versa. It all was a big comical promenade to me, watching my peers grapple with the stresses of a relationship. Some of them tried to deal with it in a mature way, but many, didn’t know how, because we were all still maturing…

I found that many people, from high school, on into college, and beyond, were either people who were truly in love, or people who were in lust. What might this mean, you ask? A person who’s in lust, is someone who, by my definition, is so desperate for love and what embodies it, that they seek to find a person with whom, they mold into their one and only, their sweetheart, their forevermore…they build the person up to be what they envision as a soul mate, an ideal partner, possibly marriage material. And then, BOOM! reality hits, something went wrong, the feeling’s not there anymore, there’s tension, and all of your hopes and dreams for that relationship that lasted a mere month or two, have now shattered onto the ground.

I pride myself on not being a person who’s in lust. Since I’ve always been a person who treads the waters of love and romance with caution, I know in my heart, that when I  love someone, I really love them- because the feeling of love doesn’t wash over me easily. I’m a more picky/choosy one when it comes to letting my feelings out of the closet. Although not afraid to get in touch with those warm, fuzzy moments, I know when I’m really feeling someone, and when I’m really not.

Honesty is the best policy, to not sugarcoat. I’ve always been brutally honest, I probably get that from my strict Italian upbringing. My parents were a no-bullshit set. They would call it out when you were screwing up and praise you when you were doing right. This molded me into who I am current day, and I apply this to many dates and relationships, starting back in high school. I always looked at high school as a time of self-discovery. But does that self-discovery cease when you graduate high school? No. The journey to find oneself continues on into your twenties and on into adulthood. Life is nothing but a constant journey, that’s what makes it so rich, even in it’s ups and downs. If life were in an constant upswing, it would be boring. We would not be challenged enough. We would get tired of the easy win.

I found this to be true when it comes to love.

Love means many different things to many people, so with each person having their own definition of love and what it means to be loved, it’s hard not to come off as biased. However, when I meet women who say, “It’s been three months and I love my man. He’s my everything.” I have to laugh. How does someone become your everything in a three month timespan? Hello, lust and infatuation. I’m not suggesting that the possibility of falling into love quickly is nonexistent. It happens. But I believe many people get wrapped up in the idea of being in love. Although not in love themselves, the idea, what it means to be in love, all of which encompasses the ideal, consumes them…and they, even after a mere three months, believe they’re in love too… à la lust.

As said before, I’m not someone who falls in love quickly. I can count the number of times I’ve said I love you on one hand. I am one who, at first, enjoys the freshness of a new relationship, the unknown, the mystery of trying to get to know someone. But, I don’t dive headfirst and get all wrapped up in a needy, desperate conglomeration. I’m one who appreciates space in a relationship. I’ve never understood these types who need to be together 24/7…why? While togetherness is a necessary ingredient to any relationship, time apart is just as important. When you’re apart, you embrace yourself, learn about yourself, take time to indulge in things you like to do. For me, that’s walking on the beach alone, taking a spontaneous drive alone, eating alone, photography, crafts, painting. Also, time apart is necessary to appreciate the person in your life even more. When we feel that certain emptiness, that void, that our better half is gone, it forces us to reflect on that person, and remember what we love about them in the first place. People who don’t value space often have trouble in the relationship. Why? Because with no room for personal space leaves no room for self-expression. People become stifled, suffocated. They rebel more against the person reaching out to them, like some caged, feral animal. I realized this early on, back in high school; like I said before, I felt like I was ahead of the pack maturity-wise.

I’m one who falls in love gradually with time. For me, a connection become deeper, stronger, and more meaningful with each month and year that flips by on the calendar. The photo collection with each other grows, picture frames become abundant on the shelf. You learn more about each other, sometimes good things, sometimes not so good things. Any relationship takes time. Getting to know someone takes time. Getting to love someone takes time.

Love develops a lot better when it is not rushed, when it unfolds naturally, under the layers, revealing its true self. I’ve never understood people who hurry everything, hurry their emotions, hurry the togetherness, hurry the feeling to be loved. Why not just let it happen as it will? Take it as it comes? These people often come off as too eager, too desperate to be loved and to give love, and as a result, often push away potentially good mates. I pride myself as one who, from youth, always enjoyed my solitude, so, as a result, even if I really liked a boy, never rushed things, I just took things as they came. Of course, I was excited for the next date and the future of the unknown but, I never built giant grandiose expectations in my head…like one friend of mine, we will call him M.

M. is a divorced father of two who’s trying to get back into the dating game. Although hard, walking from a marriage of four years, he’s managed to attract quite a slew of attractive women in their late twenties to mid-thirties, with the help of such internet dating sites as eHarmony and Match.com. As a friend, I’ve always lent my ear for advice to M. when it comes to dating, listening to his experiences about women who either, lit up his life for a short while, or fizzled out before he knew it. Over the last year, reflecting on our conversations of romantic guidance, I’ve come to realize: M. is too eager. All the women he’s attracted have seemingly all, fled. Much in the same fashion might I add. I remember the most recent romantic interest, M. muttered I love you to after only knowing her roughly four weeks. Later, things fell apart, she stopped returning his calls and texts, and she disappeared into the internet dating loop again. When he told me this, my first question to him was…

“Well, did she reciprocate?”

His answer, “Well, yea, but I could tell she was a bit uneasy…”

“Well, no wonder M.! You’ve only known her four weeks? You probably scared her off! There’s nothing wrong with showing raw emotion, but sometimes, some things, are better left unsaid, especially until you’re sure how the person on the other hand will handle it.”

M. went on about how he thought they had this magnetic chemistry, how she had laughed at his jokes, how they could talk for hours on the phone, how they had texted sweet nothings throughout the day, how he never experienced something so powerful in such a short amount of time. He thought, he thought, he thought…Me, being a trustworthy, honest friend told him straight up…”You’re too eager M. And I say this, not trying to hurt your feelings, but because, I feel if you don’t hear it, it will hinder you from finding someone really great and worthwhile.”

M. was one of those aforementioned types discussed above, one who falls in lust. He’s in love with the idea of being in love. He wants love so bad and to be loved so bad, the poor lad comes off overeager, too willing to please, too available…and he ends up getting snuffed out like a cigarette. M. and I talk every now and again, and each time, I make sure I’ve got ample time on the telephone to listen to his latest dating adventure and offer up my advice. But, really, that’s all I can do. Advise. I can’t make M. change, he’s gotta change. You have to be the change you want to see, right?

So, love. Ah, the one thing most sought after in this life. It’s one of the basic human needs. Without it, most stumble aimlessly through life chasing it, some believe they’ve got it, but are unsure, and a few lucky ones, actually have got it, grow deeper and deeper in love and continue to learn about each other as the years pass. There’s a favorite quote of mine, I was attracted to it because of the message it holds. It captures the essence of what I define love to be…

The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one’s relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident.

-Hugh Walpole Sr.