Martin & I- Fort Matanzas, FL

So I don’t know what’s come over me within the last two months. A definite intensity of feelings for my man…not that my feelings were never genuine before, but, as stated in earlier posts about love and relationships, I am not one to fall easily.

Maybe it’s been the nature of our conflicting schedules lately. Martin’s been working a rigorous seven days a week, most days a grueling 15 hour shift. He typically rises at 7:30 am, out the door before 9:00, doesn’t return until 11:30 or midnight. But it was never like this before. Of course, the man worked but it wasn’t like he lived there. We still had time for us, going to dinner or for a walk on the beach, or just taking an afternoon nap, holding each other for hours. And the ironic thing is, I never understood those women who constantly begged for their man to come home, complaining that he worked too much, that he was never around, for her, for their family…I always thought, what are they complaining about, someone’s gotta pay the bills and put food on the table. But now, I’m starting to catch on to what all those women were singing in sorrow about. I’ve really begun missing him- a lot.

And I never thought I would. I have no problem with solitude; in fact, I’m one who really loves my alone time. But lately, even if I fill my time doing things I love (listening to music, crafts, drawing, shopping, being outdoors, blogging) , running my errands (bank, grocery store, paying bills) I still feel my heart wandering out to him, searching for his gentle, aromatic touch.

When I think of the reasons why I miss him, there’s many. One being my roommates. I don’t click with them. We’re just not clickable. I’m clean and tidy, they’re not. I hate slobs, hate laziness. I like to go outside, travel, explore my surroundings, they would rather sit and be lifeless in front of Ā television and video games all day. I cook fresh, they cook microwavable, processed crap. I like fresh air rolling through the house, they’d rather shut all the windows like it’s some barricaded fortress of stagnant air. I’ve been here in this ‘Big Brother’ type living situation since September, and I will say, it’s been hard. I’ve bitten my tongue more times than I could count on both hands. They’re okay people, just not my kind of people, if you will. So most days if Martin isn’t here, I’ll go seize the day myself, taking spontaneous trips with my camera, or go walk along the beach, go visit my mom, some friends, or some days, I’ll sit in my room, antisocial, looking at the ocean from my deck, looking at it for some kind of release…

Second reason being my schedule. Martin and I work completely different schedules. Although not the first couple in the world to grapple with this, it is indeed, testing. Because I work at a bar and grille, I am up until 3:30 am…typically not rising to see the morning light until 10:30/11:00. And if I’m really tired, 12:00. Some nights, I’ll come home and see Martin deep asleep curled up on one side, I kiss him gently on the cheek, caressing his shoulder, he wakes and looks at me, kisses me then falls back into slumber land. And the same routine for him in the morning. I, deep asleep, in the early hours of the morning when he’s waking up, most days have no memory of him kissing me before he leaves for work. He can tell me he left me ten kisses on my cheek, most of the time it’s not registering. So most days during the week, the only time we really spend together is when there’s enough time to meet up on his lunch break or when we’re both asleep, next to each other. Most weeks, we only have Sunday for a day together. How did it come to one day together? I guess I used to be spoiled with how often I got to see my babe. But this is life, ever-changing…

Third reason being that I’ve begun feeling like I really need him around, which, is a big one for me. I’m not one who needs anybody. I’ve always been fine on my own, enjoying my space (I lived on my own for 3 years before moving to Florida). But, there is a definite light that doesn’t shine when Martin isn’t around. There’s a void, a void that has grown wider and deeper with time, as my feelings have grown stronger for him, so does the feeling of need. This, not to be confused with needy. I am not one of these. There’s days that go by where I don’t talk to him for 7 hours…but I know that’s because he’s busy. I’m not one of these women who’s blowing up his phone with text messages and calls, prying to find out what he’s doing. When he’s free, he’ll call me. But a need in terms of, his love and care. A need for togetherness with him. A feeling of fulfillment…

Martin walking along the beach...

So, with a surge of new and somewhat foreign feelings taking over within the last two months, I’m listening to my intuition. It’s telling me that I’ve got to hold on to this man, this amazingly different, gentle, respectful, peaceful, wonder of a man. Martin is incomparable to any other guy I’ve met, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. He is a true diamond in the rough. Of course, not without his problems, like us all, he’s imperfect. But the thing I admire most about him is, even in the most imperfect of times, in the most trying of times, when the ugly face of negativity stacks up his cards against you, Martin still knows how to wake up, enjoy the sunrise, and appreciate the beautiful day ahead. He’s a true optimist at best…and he’s taught me so many lessons and I don’t think he even realizes it.

Martin & I- Orlando 2010

He’s taught me to not focus on the negative. I at times, have a habit of dwelling on the negative, the bad things that happened that day, to the point where, it wrecks my whole day. Observing how Martin ever so carefully chooses his mood and his attitude for the day, has made me realize, how much life I’m wasting when I focus on negative energy like that for long periods of time.

He’s taught me how to sacrifice, and to live a simpler life. On one of our first few dates, I remember Martin asking me, what do I expect from a man? I told him some of my standards (respect, trust, loyalty, friendship and spontaneity, good listener), but he wasn’t looking for any of those. What he was getting closer to was, living quarters. He asked me where I sleep. I said on my bed, where else? He replied with the fact that he doesn’t sleep on a bed, in fact, he doesn’t even own one. He sleeps on the floor. At first, I laughed, not understanding why anyone would choose to sleep on a hard, cold floor. But as the months went by, I learned more about him, he explained the days of which he spent in China at university, studying Sport and Chinese language. It was there where, for a few years of his life, he became accustomed to a very simple way of life. Sleeping on wooden boards, surrounded by mosquito nets, and for a toilet, well, the place to relieve yourself was nothing more than a hole cut in the ground. No stall; no privacy.

He’s taught me how to appreciate the differences in people, and not be judgmental. Martin is a man who is very well traveled. He’s been all over the world (most of Europe, China, Peru and the United States). He can speak a few different languages (English, Czech, Mandarin, Cantonese). Through his travels, he’s gained a sense of humility, that the world is much bigger than just him and the way of life that he knows. Martin has helped me to realize that just because I think something is the norm, is not how the rest of the world views it. Maybe something that Americans think is normal and a part of daily life, people in other parts of the world may not understand, they might even think its weird. I try not to be judgmental, but at times, I catch myself. I’m guilty of pointing and staring at things or people that make me scratch my head and wonder, what the… But I’ve gotten better with maturity and time. Now I’ve come to realize, each has their own life, their own individuality. And what’s life about? To cultivate a sense of well being, and happiness. So do what makes you happy, don’t worry about what others think.

He’s shown me what true companionship means. Martin encompasses all of what it means to be a great partner. He’s a great friend and delicate lover. He lends an available ear whenever I’ve got some great news or some depressing news. He’s my adventure partner. We’re always on the go, doing something with the day, whether it’s a spontaneous drive, trip to the beach, a nature walk,or catching the sunset in photos. We both know how to enjoy life, to really live life. Martin never lacks in affection. He’s secretly emotional, he’s not one to show his emotions on his sleeve, he’s more reserved and hidden, but, when it comes to love, isn’t afraid to show a simple loving gesture, such as a kiss on the cheek, a gentle arm around the waist or a prolonged embrace, for as long as I need it.

He’s always encouraging me to do better, to never give up, whether the challenge lie in school, work or just daily life. Sometimes he helps me to look inside myself and realize my own strength. He reminds me that life isn’t handed to us easily, it’s a constant uphill battle, and that you should welcome that, everyday.

Dinner on a beautiful November day...

He’s a man that I never tire of learning about, and things just keep getting better as our relationship grows. I couldn’t be happier…

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